For the nth time in this life, I have done yet another mistake. Of course, it made me feel, again, destroyed. It wasn’t something that you could just get over with by sleeping or drinking because believe me, I HAVE TRIED. It wasn’t something you could easily fix because I am fighting with myself. The problem is myself.
As I jump from one networking site to another, I decided to stick to Twitter to just take my mind off things. The next series of Tweets really did some amazing revelations to me. I saw some friends retweeting from Donita Rose and Gary Valenciano (local artists) so I followed them and was automatically touched by their messages — which happens to be related to the issue I am currently facing:
Then I wanted to thank them for being an instrument for what I believe God wanted to tell me — He wants me to feel comforted and that He loves me. As I was typing my message, I connected to my customer’s computer and saw his wallpaper:
I think it was really God’s way of communicating with me. How can it happen with such a perfect timing in such a perfect way? He comforted me and reassured me that His love is faithful that no matter what I have done, He would always forgive, that I should also learn to forgive myself and those people who have wronged me.
I am loved by my Big God! Praise to You, Father!
Oh mi.. This book is probably one of those I could write so much about. A book that made me want to finish it in one sitting. Another story that captured my heart! Though it’s soooo BITIN hahaha I can’t wait for the second installment. A story that happened in our future: 2025. A plague almost erased the existence of the world that’s when the fight for survival started. I loved how it was similar to The Hunger Games with the only difference of Eve’s too soft compared to Katniss (now you have an idea). But you know, I hated her when you sent that code out and she took that stupid risk for Caleb. Oh well, I enjoyed it super! It was just so heartbreaking that they couldn’t be together.. Hmmmm..
Book Title: Eve
Author: Anna Carey
Plot Summary: Can’t find one :)
My Rating: ★★★★★
This is the first time I would openly express how I feel about this:
There’s this thin line between making fun of something really funny and hilarious (JOKING) as opposed to making fun of something to make others feel inferior (BULLYING).
I noticed I was tall at the age of 10. When I was in grade school, it wasn’t really an issue because I used to join beauty contests and I was the captain ball of our school volleyball varsity team. My height was one of my assets that I have always been proud of. However come high school, it turned into a curse. I was the tallest again yet I started feeling awkward because my friends were 4-5 inches shorter than me. The feeling when your classmates were pushing you to go at the back during the flag ceremony; when you ransack every possible clothing store for that pair of pants that would just fit your length right; when you’re taller than your crush and you have to bend a little when you kiss goodbye and when you couldn’t find a decent pair of shoes with the right size were some of the instances that are too much for me to take. I felt like I will never fit in a crowd where I belong. But I managed because I still have friends who were cool about it, they didn’t make me feel left out and some were even envious of my height. And I thank them for that.
So I tried modeling. I was blessed to have landed a lead cast role for one of the country’s leading bath soap back in 1998 and to have walked for an international clothing brand. I’ve seen women taller than me; they even loved wearing high heels. Honestly, my confidence didn’t boost up because I started thinking that that industry wasn’t just for me because I wasn’t comfortable and I have always been the boyish type.
Fast forward to this day, I remained 5’8” (thank God) BUT I gained I think around 40-50 pounds. After a few pay outs and a bit of depression over the past year’s catastrophic events, I turned to be a food maniac. It was as if I have never eaten anything in my life. The comfort I was trying to find, I found through food. The compensation I was getting was just overwhelming that whatever types of food my taste buds would crave for, I could just buy. The fascination and solace from the situation lasted for about 2-3 years till one day when I woke up, I was obese.
It wasn’t really a good feeling. At first I thought that I could live through those painful words people tell me like HUMONGOUS, GIGANTIC, FAT, BIG-BONED (only to sound sarcastic), DID YOU JUST GIVE BIRTH? (Am still single). What made it worse was that I wasn’t used to these ugly words. The attention I was accustomed to get exudes admiration because they see an attractive person not the attention being an overweight gets. Over the years, I learned to play around with it though you know, deep inside it hurts. I have been playing dense for the past several years but I couldn’t pin point what triggered this urge to spill this thought tonight. Maybe because I finally accepted the truth that I’m being bullied. When my body’s defenses came down, it was the point of my life where every aspect of it was jeopardized (psychological, physical and emotional), my self-worth no longer existed, and I felt so so ugly, envious, and insecure. Instead of fighting obesity and working towards a healthy self, I destroyed it even more with the only thing that kept me going: HOPE THAT THE SOCIETY’S BLIND.
At this point, as I type this, I have lost a few pounds already. This isn’t about coping with the deceitful standards of the society about beauty but because this is what my doctor had prescribed and I think its about time TO SHOW SOME LOVE TO MYSELF. I just have to lose a few pounds to get my organs working well again and in a year’s time, I would be back on my feet – I’ll be healthy.
And I wouldn’t let anyone bully me again.